Failed Beautification.

2011-10-23T19:24:00.001+03:00

I'm tired of it all.

decadence

2011-09-12T20:43:00.004+03:00

I savor the taste of medicine on your tongue, the way you collect gods like the back shelf of a secret beblophiliac.
If only I can stop wishing..

Once upon a time is how they start good tragedies.
Endings are dead volcanoes waiting to be revived.
How common is your common sense? You know what I mean is my new favorite punchline dear..

Last night I died and couldn't find our next lives, just the pillow cases.

Fluctuation Jokes

2011-06-09T17:16:00.008+03:00

1. 
Run the water tap over your lollipop gently. Stare at the self-inflicted redness of your tongue. Now take the paper straw and pretend it's a cigarette and inhale it. Crush it out in the ashtray until your fingers hurt.

2.
Let's play a game. You look outside your window and tell me what you see. I will be the one analyzing your personality according to what you notice first. You said the first thing you saw was the black, yellow-eyed cat running across the street. I thought it 's very interesting how you figured out she's a 'she' not 'it'. How would you know? You never had a cat.... there wasn't one cat outside that day by the way.

3.
You’re so tired I can tell. Go lay on the top bunk bed in your old room. When you finish counting the plaster carvings on the ceiling, close your eyes and don’t ever wake up.

Rest In Pieces.

2011-05-15T12:10:00.004+03:00

You buried yourself under your favorite willow tree in one hot Tuesday afternoon.
The final touch was the few collected daisies you placed on your headstone (from your schoolyard)...You were loved.

Did you like it so much when the maggots ate your eyes?
Remember you were loved.

How does it feel to undo yourself?
Do you wonder at all what would've happened if you stayed? I do. I am.

I still have your stupid sailor outfit, the one you wore last Christmas because you liked Halloween so much? You never got rules. You never got anything.
I let you get away with everything because no else did. Not this time.

2103

2011-04-29T09:22:00.019+03:00

I love that picture, she appeared so innocent and naive. On her expression infinite mysteries, it has to be like that.. When you're this young, you're full of potentials. They tell you "the whole world is your playground".
If you saw the photograph, you would say that too, you would think she can do anything.

I'll describe the picture more in detail:
She was trying to focus on the camera lens (she hated cameras but in this one moment it was okay) her hair, disheveled, was long, tied in a ponytail, few strands managed to escape around her face. She wore yellow and gray pajamas, you could see another shirt peeking underneath it, you can tell it was winter too. Because her nose is red, her sparkly eyes are teary, she always got cold easily.

Nowadays, the sparkle has vanished from her eyes, she's just a ghost of a ghost of the girl in gray pajamas. She says she's not cold, but she can't stop shivering.

do you hear yourself?

2011-04-22T16:59:00.004+03:00

It stood there tall among the many things I own, with its insides shaped like the light bulb it beholds; orange and mighty when it shone. Somehow it managed to stay orange even when it didn't glow in the dark. If you looked past its shade, you can actually see traces from where the bulb left burnt out marks on the dying fabric.

I might just know someone like that nightstand lamp.

2011-04-22T08:55:00.001+03:00

I keep you a secret.

This part is a dream, I think.

2011-03-20T06:52:00.004+03:00

It feels as if my head is underwater. It had grown so big from the things I don't tell you, things I acquire by the hour (by the minute really).
Like for example, I wanna tell you that earlier today, I had read about a family of wise children, their oldest child thinks in black and white. Their youngest daughter thinks in sepia tones.

I wanted to tell you that I get that very well, because I can think of all color tones and textile patterns based on my current thought process. While I abuse black, white and gray the most, it can be an abstract painting , of course the colors won't match. I'm such a jumble of emotions, I don't even know what to say.
It can become one huge transparent canvas, in which you can see through its flesh, right down to the guts..

My head is under water, it's so heavy and big.

inject and infect

2011-03-03T09:01:00.005+03:00

"but you gotta ask the right questions.."

She could easily lose herself in you, do you know that?
She could go there never wanting to come back.
Last night she told me she's ~~terrified~~ concerned of the sudden notion, because it doesn't feel like her.
Moreover, she doesn't know how to stop.

Make it stop?
Or can you?
Do I want you to? Don't stop.

I'm nearly there... nearly.

Blue

2011-02-23T14:13:00.003+03:00

My head in the pillow, I try to sleep, then I hear familiar voices; I wait for them to deliver their lines before I try locating their whereabouts. When I'm very lucky I do remember where I heard that specific line or which person does it belong to.. the worst lines are those I can't identify, they make me go through a book in my head. I spent years making that book and I still haven't encountered those voices. Today it was the sound of my father laughing a joke. I think the joke was on me.

Licking Destruction

2011-01-12T12:16:00.003+03:00

I analyze your every detail and dissect you into tiny little pieces,
I fed on each one of them for months.
Sometimes I hide them in the deepest, darkest corners of my mind and take them out when days like December arrive.
I drink your sweet words benignly like the rest of my medication,
with lunch, before I go to sleep and after I wake up.
In a mad world, I lost control over my prescribed dosage of you.
I take what I need to survive.

Skylark

2010-12-30T18:21:00.003+03:00

There are 365 days in the calendar, you could've picked
any day of them to illustrate Highlight Of The Year.. yet
you picked the quarter of a day that half the population ignores.

The Proximity Effect

2010-12-29T20:19:00.003+03:00

If you went to that place in your head
where you're comfortable the most,
eventually you'll get used to it.
One day you won't bother coming back.

First Floor People

2010-12-28T14:07:00.006+03:00

I saw a fortune teller today,

she looked me in the eye, and said "Young lady you have the face of a dying person"

"I know that"

"Then why are you here?"

I told her I wanna know whether it's gonna be painful or not.

She smiled and said "You should know better, you're a professional."

2010

2010-12-25T10:59:00.002+03:00

1- 1984 became my new favorite book.
2- Completed graduation thesis.
3- The Harry Potter series.
4- Extroverted Introvertism
5- More secrets.
6- 'Maybe' is an answer too.
7- Gray is a color that goes pretty much with anything.
8- Sylvia Plath obsession.
9- My best friend gave birth to her first baby.
10- No idea what I'm gonna do with myself career-wise.
11- Pancakes are my favorite food.
12- Found myself a new drug of choice.

Soundtrack of this Year: The Shins - Australia

ihateyou.

2010-12-05T03:43:00.008+03:00

a lifetime ago,

we were at the water park
it was one of the best days of my life,
I was wearing my black and white shirt, the one with D&G initials on it
I had no idea what they stood for,
I guess I liked the way two letters looked intertwined with each other.
you were wearing that silly floral shirt, it was your favorite I think,
you had buttoned it all the way up
(a perfectionist even back then),
then you took me proudly everywhere
showing me off, like I was your best pal
and I was so for that day.
your best pal in the whole world..
we thought we were very inseparable at that point
then we took that photo booth picture,
you wrapped your one arm around me protectively
I didn't know what to do so I just smiled.
It's like we had each other for that one moment in our short lives.

Another cog in the murder machine.

2010-11-23T19:12:00.004+03:00

It's at the moment when your imagination seems more "real" than reality itself that you want to cease existence the most.

All Shall Perish

2010-11-12T10:57:00.004+03:00

I'll take you back and forth to that place where your monsters reside until you no longer feel their presence.

A dream within a dream.

2010-10-30T17:33:00.006+03:00

What is real? What is a dream?
No really, how can you tell this is reality right now?
There's no proof you exist and this is not someone else's dream. Alas!, his worst nightmare.

I don't live here anymore.. the world outside my head I mean. Their voices are just noises, their lips move but I can't hear anything.

Everything is a fast ride, you get to stare outside your window for hours while the rest of the world passes by, you can't really grasp it and get your head around it. It feels like you're watching from distance every limb in your body levitating over your skin in slow motion, you know?

I'm torn between my reality and my dreams. Meanwhile, I stay in the parallel universe, the in-between that keeps me protected from the bitter coldness of this place.

the slow drug

2010-10-03T19:44:00.003+03:00

My heart is beating so fast right now.
It scares me sometimes, it feels like a bird about to flee my ribcage.
I was dead for so many years that I forgot what's it like to be awoken at night by the sound of your own heartbeats thudding in your chest, asking you to do something about it.

eerie

2010-09-02T05:46:00.003+03:00

I keep having that dream where whatever the situation in the dream is I've been in it before? as if I'm telling my subconsciousness that I am aware of every image you're about to show me. I think in relation to my consciousness this depicts that I'm locking out the elements that has the potential of shocking me. so it goes this way.

The Happiness Project

2010-08-21T15:03:00.004+03:00

Disorder	Rating
Paranoid:	Very High
Schizoid:	Moderate
Schizotypal:	High
Antisocial:	High
Borderline:	Moderate
Histrionic:	Very High
Narcissistic:	High
Avoidant:	Very High
Dependent:	High
Obsessive-Compulsive:	High
-- Personality Disorder Test -- -- Personality Disorder Information --

This explains a whole lot, doesn't it? :D

If there are no such things as walls

2010-08-17T03:48:00.008+03:00

I don't think I have feelings left in me.

No, I'm not exaggerating.
This one moment I was sitting with my family having a nice meal
and then my brother spilled a drink.. and I was aware the entire time
that he was going to (I sat across from him at the table)
nonetheless, I was willing to soak myself wet than move one step further.

it was like weird slow motion thing happening
and I knew it had to end.

Glaciers

2010-07-21T17:15:00.008+03:00

At this moment right now
someone is writing music that could change thousand lives..
At this moment right now
someone is having a child or dumping one, it could go either ways..
At this moment right now
someone might be wondering what's it like to know you, to have you..

this looks familiar doesn't it?
It happened before.
It's happening right now.

it's called life. don't take it for granted.

Quote of the day:
"He felt that his whole life was some kind of dream, and he sometimes wondered whose it was, and whether they were enjoying it."-Douglas Adams.

Decoy.

2010-07-15T03:36:00.010+03:00

I've been reading a lot of great people stories, hoping to catch some of their glorious moments, last words, famous quotes.

I don't know what is it that makes the life of the great ones very appealing to me. I could spend hours losing myself amidst the achievement of others.

a voice inside my head tells me to cut this crap and make a life of my own. but then I don't want to. this is far more interesting than anything I've been doing lately!

Did you know Hitler wanted to pursue art school? he did. he just never got accepted in one.
Never underestimate the power of art..

Things we forget.

2010-07-07T04:32:00.003+03:00

I had an argument about cheating on paper exams with a girl today. She told me I'm a perfectionist.

What the hell is that supposed to mean?
A fucking perfectionist.
and that's the second time I hear it, it's beginning to insult me really.

"The big screens, the plastic-made dreams"

2010-07-03T19:23:00.007+03:00

Why do we have to compete with each other in order to feel better about ourselves?
When did being 'okay' become so wrong?
You don't have to get rid of your glasses. You don't need stupid summer dresses.
it might be something inside you.. within your core that needs change.

Quote of the day:
"I read a poem once about a girl who had a crush on a guy who died. She imagined him up in heaven with all the beautiful angels, and she was jealous." -P. Sawyer.

you just face the direction and fire away.

2010-06-27T23:51:00.008+03:00

Hi,

I finished my last final test today and then was too excited to do anything, so I just sat and scribbled few things out.

I'm getting back to writing. I'll try my best to leave thoughts behind every once in a while.
Got so many books to catch up on, which means I'll be living in my head for the next 3 months or so.
Wrote list of things I expect to accomplish by the end of the summer, I just don't know where the hell my notebook is. I guess it got mixed up with my project stuff...I'll look for it later, I'm just too lazy to search between papers and lecture notes, I'll probably just write it again.

Quote of the day:
"Many people die with their music still in them. Too often it is because they are always getting ready to live...Before they know it...time runs out." -Oliver Wendell Holmes.

Rebel for a lost cause

2010-06-08T00:11:00.006+03:00

I believe I've always had something to say in any situation. but right now I'm out of witty things to say.
Tomorrow is sort of a big day for me. I'm going to present my graduation project thesis. been working on it for over a year now, and I feel like I owe it to my blog to say something on this account.

It's one of those things that happens once in a lifetime. It could either go real good or ...bad, there's no in-between.
What's so weird is that just as part of me wants it to end so badly, another part of me is going to miss it all.. the inner spirit, self-knowledge, and sense of purposeness.

I hate when things have to come to an end like that. but hey, at least I'm accepting it. right?

her dreamcatcher

2010-05-19T06:48:00.012+03:00

I was trying to convince her that
I'm the only person capable of seeing them.
I told her, the one who made her misery increase
was sitting right behind us at the coffee shop,
she looked at me with those dead-fish eyes of hers.
She wants a proof.

as he stood up, leaving, my eyes followed his movements
"stay here where are you going?" I said
he'd just paid for his coffee in pennies
and was beginning to walk away
"don't go. I said come back"

I followed him
he was running fast,
I was running even faster
I caught him at last,
I screamed at his face as he froze right there looking at me:
"I know what you are! I know what you're doing here!"

and that was the last thing I remember,
white threads were stretched in front of my eyes
I moved but my legs felt numb
I spoke but my tongue made no sound.
She was far past me now.

This is based on a dream I had last night.
I had to write it down because the image of it has stayed vivid in my mind

the rephrase

2010-04-27T00:35:00.012+03:00

I saw this somewhere and I wanted to make my own version of it, I guess you can call it a tag of some sort.

The Rules:
List 11 things you want to say to 11 different people.
Don't say who they pertain to.

1.
At the mention of 'Alex Pardee',
you didn't hesitate a moment in telling me how absurd you thought it was for someone to do nothing but paint a picture and sell it, when I'm trying with every atom of my being to paint your lovely canvas something that'll make you proud of me.

2.
Sometimes I wish I could use a time-machine and move backwards to my 12-year-old mentality,
just so I'd restore some of that respect I held for you.
You're still the same,
butI'mnotfuckingtwelveanymore.

3.
You nurtured me in my time of needs,
so let me pay you back, would you?

4.
I know it's merely an illusion,
but I forgive you,
because you taught me how to escape it.

5.
The gap you left,
fits someone else perfectly.
I'll trade your soul for a tuna sandwich one of those days.

6.
I remember exactly how it felt that day I met you,
spent the night knitting our future tightly and closely.
I think that's how I got insomnia.

7.
If nothing came out of these four years but you,
then I know I made it through.

8.
I see you in every face I meet.
Nothing quite compares to our summer days spent under the old Oak, carving initials on the bark.

9.
I fell hard on your grounds,
you didn't pick me up.
I get it now.
You were the shaky type.

10.
I never met someone like you before.
How can you make me thrive on every moment you offer?

11.
The fort is gone.
And so are the coloring books and pink crayons
you kept hidden for a long time.
I want those back so badly.

This disturbing make-believe's come true

2010-04-18T00:43:00.002+03:00

Sometimes I think of my brain cells and how they look like hotel rooms to me, people live there for a while and with each person who disappoints me the room goes dark. it's empty and it wants another replacement but it rejects the occupant.

I wish mom didn't tell me about her moving out plan
I'm thinking about it in every second now everyday.

Checkmate.

2010-04-13T00:49:00.009+03:00

I've been searching inside everyone I've met for many things.

in a friend, I expect so much.
in a stranger, I expect so little.

And sometimes it feels like I don't know what I'm doing , there's no guidance for that sort of thing.
Your parents teach you how to sit properly and talk nicely in public. School is supposed to teach you how to read and write. But nothing prepares you for what's going to happen next.

They don't tell you that real world isn't anything like the things you read about/heard from someone who heard it from someone else.

It's almost always "fate" when it happens to someone else, but when it happens to you it's not stories tied in a neat bow with some words of wisdom. it's real. And it fucking stings.

But it happens. Now I know that.

Random flashbacks.

2010-03-20T19:49:00.009+03:00

March The Fifth
"I find that you really don't know someone until you work with them, there's just something about work that bonds people together"
Two months later we're no longer friends.

March Nineteenth
"You're the most quiet members ever. Who is your group leader?" And then they point to me.

May Twenty-second
She looked at me straight in the eye and said politely, "You're not like everyone else, are you?"

and I don't have emotions. I just react.

2010-03-12T21:14:00.016+03:00

"Filler"
'Cause that's what we do these days.

I saw her that girl.
She had always been like that, a stranger with no name
or did she have one?
yes she had one but no one remembered it.

They teased her a lot..
about her small hands, how easily her cheeks flushed
and she fought, she fought for her mom, her friend, they were her whole universe.

She wanted to be everything they wanted and more,
the daughter, the fighter, the friend.

But she couldn't, she was slipping away to another world,
a world where they called her real name.

They whispered.
She heard them.

"I promise you I'll be here to let the light in"

2010-02-24T07:38:00.005+03:00

I dunno what to say ..
I stayed away from writing on purpose.
thought it would help me,
that by refusing to write whatever I felt like saying I'd somehow make it go away,
but really it didn't.
maybe I have to do this, maybe because it's the one thing I know how to do.

Anyway, so the thing is I'm tired.. I dunno why am I tired. I just feel like I wanna quit any moment now.
I dunno what to do with my life. I mean I know what to do tomorrow, I know what to do next week.
I just don't know what to do the next 20 years of my life.
At some point I thought I had it all figured out, that I'm gonna move from here and be somewhere I belong and start a life there.
even that is gone now
and I don't know what to do
I'm more lost at this point in my life than I've ever been.

Patience, they say, is a virtue.

2010-01-23T19:38:00.005+03:00

I never wanted to change who you are. I accepted you. with your imperfections and slightly flawed nature.
I don't know if it's fate or merely coincidence that we've crossed paths in this life. for my part I know that I learned a lot from knowing you, and together we share so much... I do regret knowing you sometimes, because you make it hard for people who love you, and other times I wonder if I hadn't known you who would I be today?

I know I wouldn't be the me I know
and I decided that I'm gonna keep you because I owe you that much.

Hide and seek

2010-01-12T11:43:00.003+03:00

Do you ever get the feeling that our lives are planned for us?

you go to school, make friends, graduate, lose friends
they try to hook you up in a relationship, you refuse,
you go to college, they screw you up, make new friends, graduate
you work, complain more, a guy you liked got married
they try to hook you up in a relationship, you say yes, you're stuck in a marriage you never wanted at first place.

That's your life. A long series of necessary transitions from one period of life to another. The next time you make a decision, remember you really didn't have a saying in the matter.
You're part of a plan.

I'm so happy

2010-01-08T03:48:00.004+03:00

I write in my journal all the time. it's sort of a treatment for mental people like me. it's nice but sometimes I dunno if it's enough.
I feel like threatening those paper characters inside my journal, I want to scream into their face how I feel and tell them what names I called them behind their backs. I want them to know when they think they know me, they really don't. it's a lie, all of it. they're part of my lie and I'm part of theirs and so we go on, living this life, looking for The dream to come true.

"I see you inside"

2010-01-04T20:01:00.005+03:00

I don't believe in one way conversations, if you wanna hear yourself talk I'm not your person. I don't care, I just don't. You're not the only one who goes through crap they didn't sign up for, life is hard and it's gonna get harder get used to it.

There are few people whom I'd actually consider taking the time to listen to their thoughts,
just because I know you that doesn't make it okay to share personal details with me. It's probably the last thing I wanna do right now.
Speaking of which.. you know what's ironic? when your java midterm is on your birthday, If that's not some godly sign I dunno what is.

2009

2009-12-31T03:06:00.004+03:00

1. Met someone who I know I will never forget in years to come.
2. Created a tumblr.
3. Spoke in front of 30 people or more.
4. Lost old friends.
5. Looking For Alaska has become my new favorite book.
6. Watched Gossip Girl.
7. Have read Catch-22.
8. The mullet haircut.
9. Got new shelves for my books.
10. I have discovered new side to me.
11. Still figuring myself out.
12. Practical Training Course was the huge turning point of the year.

Soundtrack of this Year: There there - Radiohead

like moth's wings

2009-12-26T20:31:00.000+03:00

Friends don't make friends feel bad about themselves, they also are here when you need them. Friends don't talk about you behind your back, they also give second chances , therefore they'd rather confront you if they can.
Friends don't ask you how come you look so retarded, they understand it's just the way you are. Real friends will never want you to explain anything, they can see it in your eyes.

You didn't see it in mine

I'm dying dear friend, I wish I could tell you how much I missed you. Today I realized that when we talked. One day I'll explain everything.
I promise.

How to save a life

2009-12-12T01:24:00.000+03:00

Let's play Truth or Dare. And this time if you picked Truth I wanna ask you one question, What have I done to make you so afraid of me? so afraid of showing me your beautiful insides?
If you picked Dare, I want you to look into my eyes and tell me we're okay. That we'll be fine because we're together and the whole world doesn't matter.

For what's worth

2009-11-25T17:00:00.000+03:00

Dear self,
Why do you try so hard to make every person you know another version of you?
people are pretty the way they are. you don't have to play god in every situation you face. Stop complicating things and start living.

Sincerely,
Charade

would you erase me? inspired by favorite movie

2009-11-21T03:35:00.000+03:00

I don't know if I would erase you or not .

Throughout the past twenty years I have had encountered several people who definitely made life a bit more complicated for me, however, every time I asked myself this question I am very tempted to choose wiping them off my memory.
but then again, if I erased you how can I be so sure I wont meet you again? will there be any guarantees to not know/like you all over again?
I would gladly keep you there, just to have the chance to revisit your smallest details so that the next time I find someone like you I'd remember how you got into me and truly stay away this time.

the awful truth is I am strong because of you.

Validation

2009-11-19T13:08:00.000+03:00

Today I cut the first strand of gray hair.

nice repertoire

2009-11-17T10:15:00.000+03:00

have you ever felt incomplete as if part of your soul went missing?
that's how I feel right now, like a piece of myself is missing and somewhere between perfection and self destruction I'm very lost.
I don't even know how to explain it simply because I have no idea if its there or if I'm beginning to see things.

Anguish

2009-11-12T00:54:00.000+03:00

it's 11/11
I promised to write something in this day. Right now I'm very confused about how I feel towards the person I'm liking the most.

It's new. I don't do these kinds of things much but when I do and they let me down (which tends to happen a lot) it doesn't leave me with a good feeling.

Eloise

2009-11-07T17:48:00.000+03:00

I have problems that I'll never be able to tell anybody. They will stay with me for good.

S e c r e t

2009-10-28T17:46:00.001+03:00

It freaks me out that my best friend stepped out of her fears and I didn't.

damn you all to hell

2009-10-17T20:19:00.000+03:00

I seriously think there's something wrong with me.

I started to have that feeling by the end of 2008. I told myself it's prolly just a phase,
you know one of those days where you hate yourself without any apparent reason and everything goes against your well. And now I'd look at myself and see that nobody is here for me. Perhaps there's a good reason behind that. it must be

Midnight hallucinations

2009-10-16T02:18:00.000+03:00

I feel like I fucking need justification for what I'm doing the entire time.
Alright, I realize that I don't enjoy what people in my age would normally do, it's just the way I am.

deal with it ... mom .. dad .. friends from college.. random people whom I have met at the party the other day?

I don't know why I am that way. I have a feeling that it'll never end and those who love me won't stick with me till the end.

summer dying fast

2009-10-01T10:39:00.000+03:00

You know I constantly ask my mother about my childhood days just so I could understand myself a little bit better as an adult (in the process of trying to find out)

and she tells me pretty helpful stuff like how I used to stare at kids in the toys department whenever they took me there and then I'd make sure every other kid leaves before I finally start playing up there, it's strange because I do that in a way, I exclude myself from everyone when I want to have fun.

Which brings me to my next point
Didn't I ever learn anything the past twenty years?
Social technics? anything?
cuz I think I'm still that 6 year old kid who refuse to get involved in new surroundings unless she trusts her company.

letter to myself : reconcile

2009-08-18T01:03:00.000+03:00

Whether you witnessed car driven by no one in the middle of the road or wedding massacre that left over forty dead bodies or god forbid accidentally heard the aftermath of Japan's earth quick in morning news.

You can't go over the rest of your day thinking that those are everyday news. Those are signs, they're trying to tell you something. Listen to them. Try to look beneath the surface you'll find the answer.

Pink house

2009-08-11T00:35:00.000+03:00

For a long time it was in my baby sister's room who now claims the house is invading her personal space, therefore my mother intends to throw my barbie doll house any time by the end of this month. Meantime I have to face the house everyday while it stands across of my room.

People don't get it when I say that part of my childhood is this pink doll house.
Spending days and nights with the barbies. getting new bedroom furniture, tiny kitchenette, embroidered carpets, mini pizza maker, coming up with new excuses for dinner parties at the roof top.

I felt special with this house, sort of protected like my own house. I remember daydreaming about being able to hide in that house and staying there with my dolls. I still do ... only this time I have to get rid of my dream house and choose uglier "doll".

"it's your yellow hair"

2009-08-09T23:15:00.000+03:00

Girls adore compliments for one reason. it makes them believe that they're wanted by somebody other than their parents.
A girl would die for that feeling. Probably that's why every time I get a compliment I pretend that I didn't hear it, that way I'd hear it twice. I notice how selfish I'm being at that particular moment, yet I don't care as if under the influence of a drug

the edge

2009-08-09T01:13:00.000+03:00

I used to feel sorry for myself every time I looked in the mirror, because I thought I'm not worth anything. I wasn't worth love, time or attention. I wished for a world where mirrors don't exist just so I could stop tormenting myself for something fabricated by my own head. now I can't stop staring at one looking for my flaws, before anyone else could.

blasphemy.

2009-08-03T01:12:00.000+03:00

To all the people I have liked and never told
I pretend to be smart because I'm so nervous around you.

I look like an idiot with those bangs

2009-08-01T00:37:00.000+03:00

The last few weeks has been very overwhelming for me. I met people who changed my life forever.
I started to think of everything differently. I'd hate to say that leaving them is frightening but it is the truth.

It's quite hard going back to my old life after knowing what is it like to be loved.

letter to myself

2009-07-21T14:40:00.000+03:00

Dear self,

You make me sick to my guts.

we haven't lost it all yet

2009-07-18T23:33:00.000+03:00

my friend made a manga avatar for me. I think she knows me better than I do

Sinking fast.

2009-07-14T13:58:00.000+03:00

Life is so depressing and people have become very boring. I can predict every move before it happens and it will.
It's not that fun anymore. It never was really.
I don't see the point of having so many friends, they're all predictable, boring and useless.

I just unfollowed 10 people on Twitter because it's too much putting up with friend's crap, let alone stranger's

Are you cool with the staples?

2009-07-10T12:23:00.000+03:00

We became what we hate the most
Liars.
We lie everyday and by doing so we pretend being protective.
That by having three different personalities we are somehow gonna be fine. One you choose to show the public from time to time, one to your friends and the one you hid carefully from everybody else.
What if we stepped out of our 'comfort zone' and did what we really wanted, said what we actually meant to say?
Has life frightened us so much to the point where we can't be real?

the fish dies

2009-07-08T02:18:00.000+03:00

goodbye Kristen you were such a good pet. You were loved.

I hate cliché

2009-07-06T19:27:00.000+03:00

Nothing pisses me off more than people acting like they know me well. You don't know me asshole how could you when I don't know myself that well?

087. Bake cupcakes.

2009-07-04T00:16:00.000+03:00

When I was a kid I used to watch a lot of cooking shows. later on I would try to imitate the cooker's way of reciting his ingredients. I saw myself as the narrator more than the cook. I couldn't define my reasons for doing so back then but right now it seems so obvious.

credit : [Yas] Velvet Cupcakes!

070. Get a golden fish.

2009-07-01T21:32:00.000+03:00

School's been out for a while only I'm too lazy to write anything down. Seriously I even slept for two days after my last exam I think.

So as soon as I started gaining some consciousness back I went watching movies and read almost 50 pages every 3 hours from the book I'm currently reading.

I bought a golden fish today. I'm pretty excited about this. She's my second pet after Gerard the turtle -whom I lost to a friend of my brother's- her name is Kristen she likes to eat weird fish flakes and my hand occasionally.

(Kristen in her chateau)

the 80's are dead

2009-06-26T14:06:00.000+03:00

So Michael Jackson is dead. WOW
Dakota is 15. Schwarzenegger is a Governor. Farah Fawcett is dead and now Michael Jackson is dead.

I feel old.
so fucking old!

God'll cut you down

2009-06-23T03:25:00.000+03:00

I always wanted to make one of those cool posts where you add a video clip and everybody starts downloading the song. So there you go

purple lights and abandoned sites

2009-06-21T05:18:00.000+03:00

"Isn't it insane how someone from the internet can relate to you so well when people from real life can't hear you?"

I found a girl with the exact qualities of a friend I've been looking for since forever, turns out she's graduating this year. I don't wanna sound too excited but she was too good to be true even for the entire school.
Sometimes I think that everything is meant to be against me just so I could fight my way through its hardships.

If truth be told, I do learn a lot from those short experiences but I'd always lose something in return. Almost as if it's a curse.

I'm made of the curses I've broken the last 20 years.

P.S : Yes I realize the picture has zero relation to the topic but it is great. Thought I'd post it despite the stupid rules of relativity.

classic misshape

2009-06-12T21:07:00.000+03:00

You know what first occurs to my mind when I mess up?
This blog.
I do constantly think of which way I'm going to deliver the next disappointment to my fans
(and here's the part where you go screaming)!

So "fans".. exclusively you're about to take a sneak peak into my Final exam schedule :

~~13/6 Practical Training (report admission)~~
~~18/6 Database Design~~
~~21/6 Operating Systems~~
~~23/6 Analysis/Design Of Information(2)~~
~~24/6 Financial Management~~
~~27/6 Programing Languages(2)~~

I'm sure you've created your own thoughts of what I'm going through right now.

2009-06-09T11:50:00.000+03:00

Every rejection is a stepping stone to your ultimate goal.

Dead End

2009-06-03T01:25:00.000+03:00

I'm here to confess that I have no idea what I'm doing and that I can't find common ground with my peers anymore. I picked the wrong major haven't I ? , because everything else is pointing out that I made a huge mistake by choosing MIS for living.
a- I keep asking everyone what's going on and how come this course is incomprehensible. For the third year now.
b- I have no interest in whatsoever I'm going to study or studying at the moment.
c- I feel as if the whole thing is a sick mind game, where I can't keep up with their twisted ways of coming up with new programming languages and data types everyday.

I'm also here to confess that I liked our practical training course more than anything I've studied so far. I might try something similar to that in the upcoming years. Did I mention that tomorrow I'm going to handle the press?
What did I get myself into? I KNOW!!!

019. lecture over 40 people about something I like.

2009-05-24T02:23:00.000+03:00

Okay so I knew I was going to present this course and I added it to a goal list to encourage myself.
That was last Monday. I stood there two hours explaining Photoshop CS for beginners, the whole thing was an intense experience and there were some awkward moments like
1- when someone asked me the last 10 minutes" how could we conceal a body and keep the cloth on?" Okay first of all what kind of sick question is that? I kept asking her why would you wanna cut the model's body off of her?
gladly someone from my group came to rescue and answered the girl.
2- some stuff didn't work as planned. I hate vector brushes let's just put it this way.
3- Throughout the entire first hour before the break someone kept looking at my direction and using the most disgusting facial expressions to disturb me. What a lowlife.

so yeah that's pretty much it. The audience feedback came today though. take a look at the results

	A	B	C	D	F
benefit	29	3	0	0	0
methods variety	28	4	0	0	0
trainer's tactics	22	9	1	0	0
audience interaction	28	4	0	0	0

wtf someone gave me C ?
Apparently my tactics weren't satisfactory. As for an anti-social person I consider this a massive progression.

pieces

2009-05-22T14:06:00.000+03:00

"It's not that you got in the game at first place .. It's for how long you're willing to carry on in this game"

These words are what I keep repeating to myself these days. But still .. at times I wish if I didn't care so much. I wish if I were a robot that works relentlessly with zero emotions. It would've been a whole lot easier to go further without looking back at what you've lost along the way. Today I woke up with the strangest thought on my head .. I work so hard for my future, yet something always could go wrong and I'd lose everything I earned by far, then What?

(Needless to say the answer was that I have none.)

What I said

2009-05-21T15:22:00.000+03:00

The things you love define who you are ..
next time you wanna befriend someone ask them those three questions

1. favorite movie
2. favorite color
3. favorite artist

Superficial much? you decide.

012. Lose my ego.

2009-05-17T02:00:00.000+03:00

In order to challenge myself I took a decision about two months ago and that was to become the leader of a group.
I never expected it but this decision is making me accomplish my goals one by one ..
Losing my ego was one of them.

When you lead a group of four, You lose not only your egotism but every sense of false security you shielded yourself with.
I'm one of those people who used to hold on to trivial matters and consider them back stabs, being exposed and criticized by people you hardly met is new to me. I'm experiencing the other side of everything. I don't think I've ever ignored a negative reaction in my life as I'm learning to do right now.

Realization hit me while installing Photoshop CD on lab C-01 for 40 computers on behalf of the four girls I led.. my foolish pride had disappeared, my goal's accomplished!

miraculation

2009-05-13T03:05:00.000+03:00

How do you know if you're doing the right thing or not?

What if you're mistaken?

She's counting every star in the endless sky

2009-05-03T23:46:00.000+03:00

“Stop trying to fit in when you were born to stand out.”
-Ian Wallace

There comes a time when you realize avoiding your inner demons and hiding in the shades are the weakest battles. It becomes a worrisome going through the never-ending loop of protecting yourself against world shaped by your fears.
you start to have new expectations of everything, yourself included.

you want straight lines, sharp directions leading you to obvious results proving somehow that you still got it in you. That mythical gut to step up and show them who you truly are and what you're made of ..

For the first time I started seeing beauty in freedom of mind instead of seeking approval of others and today wondering whether we're supposed to follow or get followed by I saw how unconsciously I separated the new people I met by those two categories.

062. pick a new favorite number.

2009-04-24T01:52:00.001+03:00

I think I always wanted a favorite number. not because I don't have one, but because almost every couple of years or so I pick a new number as my favorite, turns out many had that number before I did.

I chose 2 once. I thought to myself : hey 2 seems nice. it takes 2 to make a couple, then I realized not only that number had been chosen by far too many people than I can comprehend.
2 is picked by someone in every five. makes it the most overrated number ever.
then I picked 4. I hate how superficial that number is. You can totally tell if someone is a 4 kind of person plus it got 2 twos.
also I picked 6. 6 is too obvious it's too perfect almost like 2 and 4. it has 2 threes
there's an 8. 8 is nice, I could see 8 as my favorite number.
only 8 is too fat. 8 is not the right 'one'. 8 is If two circles touched each other internally. Circles are my favorite shapes. I should go for 8

still doesn't sound right..
Crap. I hate every even number now.
my favorite number is going to be something odd.

7 everyone likes the number 7. what's so special about 7? sounds like the whole universe agrees on number 7! 7 is associated with many religious beliefs as well. I'm not saying that's a bad thing but do I want that in my favorite number? I didn't think so.

so we have 3 and 9 and 5 and 1 left

1? 1 looks like a 9 only 1 is stupid why would you pick the first number as a favorite? it's like you're so lazy you don't wanna choose a number so you picked the first one.
the same thing goes for 9.
Niners are show offs they skipped the whole numbers to the last pick because they thought .. hmmm last number favorite how cool is that? not cool at all dude it's lame very much.

so 3 or 5?

5 has 2 twos and one.
3 is two and one.

5+5 makes a 10 and 3+3 equal a 6 and I was born on January 6
so it's 3!
that's it
My favorite number is Three.

030. get Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind poster and hang it on my wall.

2009-04-18T14:19:00.000+03:00

Cheap Friday

2009-04-17T21:43:00.000+03:00

Why would you be interested to read about someone on blogger?
Chances are :

A) you know that person and blogger keep you updated with his rants.
B) he/she reminds you of yourself.

C) you're trying to publish as many comments as possible so you'd get proper feedback later on.

However, if you were the 'A' type of person you'd be (probably) more than glad that I shared this blog with you cuz I normally don't give the pleasure to whoever.

'B' type of person is going to be someone I've never met. You bothered to read the things I mutter. You need to know that you're special. Yes YOU!

To the 'C' type:
nothing makes me more sick to my guts than people like you, because I question my personal motives every single time I open this writing pad, only to appear more intelligent than you are.

016. tell someone fat that they need to lose weight.

2009-04-12T16:34:00.000+03:00

I'm really working hard on that list.
I told Frank my friend he needs to lose weight, and I meant it. Frank you need to lose weight! okay maybe I shouldn't say that twice but you know what that means don't you? Goal 016 is accomplished.

085. Write down 20 things that I like about myself.

2009-04-10T14:47:00.000+03:00

my hair
the almond shaped eyes
how I spot on everyone else’s weaknesses
that I don't look like majority of people
my music taste
when I put on heavy make up sometimes I look like a doll
when I look at photos of me I feel that I'd like to know me
my patience
my thin figure
I don't settle for less
I scare people off (first impression)
I know what makes them happy
the aptitude to learn new things everyday
my pale skin
my long fingers
my eyelashes
my jaw line
the shape of my mouth in a good day
how I over-analyze everything to the point that it's almost a curse
that I write A LOT.

I wanted to write list of the things I liked about myself down not because I thought I'm 'kewl' or to show off in front of you guys ... but simply because I always wanted to take the time and ponder upon the things which I've found worth noticing in me .

088. Remind myself everyday that I’m perfectly fine the way I am.

2009-04-06T00:10:00.000+03:00

What's better way to remind myself daily than posting it on the mirror?

101 goals in 1,001 days

2009-04-03T23:54:00.000+03:00

Start date: Saturday April 4th, 2009
End date: Sometime in 2012

The concept is simple: Think of 101 goals that you can accomplish in 1,001 days. They can be big or small. When you do accomplish one, cross it out and share your progress with everyone.

001. Spend an entire day in complete silence.
002. Write a letter to no one and release it into the wind.
003. Color every picture in a coloring book.
004. Carve my name into a tree.
005 Attend an art festival.
006. Learn Sign Language.
007. Pick flowers and give them to someone significant.
008. Purchase a new phone.
009. Create a mixtape.
010. Smile at every person I see for one day.
011. get a MacBook.
012. ~~Lose my ego.~~ accomplished in 16/5/2009
013. Admit all my secrets to someone.
014. Wake up at sunrise.
015. meet a celebrity and totally shun him/her
016. ~~tell someone fat that they need to lose weight.~~ accomplished in 12/04/2009
017. be vegan for a month.
018. smoke an entire cigarette.
019. ~~lecture over 40 people about something I like.~~ accomplished in 18/05/2009
020. Read at least one Hemingway novel.
021. Cook all my meals for a week.
022. Write a song.
023. Make my own shirt.
024. Finish my Red Journal so that there are no blank pages left.
025. Apply for a job.
026. Get dressed up for no good reason.
027. Read A Clockwork Orange.
028. Drink 8 bottles of water a day for one week.
029. Still have a blog in 1001 days (haha).
030. ~~get Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind poster and hang it on my wall.~~ accomplished in 18/04/2009
031. have my photo taken in a photo booth.
032. Win a bet.
033. complete a random act of kindness.
034. Watch Casablanca.
035. check out a library book and leave notes in it.
036. Knit a scarf.
037. Learn to recognize 5 constellations.
038. Make a list of 100 things that make me happy.
039. Learn how to format a PC.
040. paint my own mug!
041. Get an A in a class. Seriously.
042. Turn a stranger into a friend in the course of a day.
043. Go out and take random pictures.
044. Write down everything that happened on 09/09/09, 10/10/10, and 11/11/11.
045. Do the 26 Things project.
046. finish Catch 22.
047. finish Wuthering Heights.
048. Win something.
049. Collect a postcard from somewhere I visit.
050. Write a thank you note for every gift I receive.
051.Write a letter to my future kid.
052. Make smoothie for breakfast for a day.
053. Go to a museum.
054. Listen to and ENJOY 3 new bands.
055. save up for something really important to me.
056. make a mix CD and leave it for someone to find.
057.pull an all nighter for no reason.
058. Buy new glasses.
059. paint my nails a new color every day for a week.
060. create a new favorite mixed drink.
061. donate blood.
062. ~~pick a new favorite number.~~ accomplished in 23/04/2009
063. Send book that I have read to someone to read it.
064. Write a letter to myself about everything I should know in five years, seal it, and don't open it until the five years is up.
065. Read a biography.
066. Try sushi.
067. Fix someone else's computer.
068. get a book about Andy Warhol.
069. Make a flyer for an event and distribute it.
070. ~~Get a golden fish.~~ accomplished in 01/07/2009
071. Answer every question with "yes" for one day.
072. Read more Chuck Palahniuk.
073. Watch a foreign film.
074. Begin a running program.
075.Get 250 Followers on twitter.
076. Reply to 5 famous people on Twitter.
077. Live without TV a month.
078. Pull an all-nighter with someone.
079. Lay off MSN for one week.
080. Complete a game of Scrabble.
081. Complete a game of Monopoly.
082. Learn the names of twenty different types of flowers.
083. Eat something exotic.
084. Find out my favorite food.
085. ~~Write down 20 things that I like about myself.~~ accomplished in 10/04/2009
086. Dance in the rain, even just for a little bit.
087. ~~Bake cupcakes.~~ accomplished in 03/07/2009
088. ~~Remind myself everyday that I’m perfectly fine the way I am.~~ accomplished in 04/04/2009
089. buy a watch and wear it everyday.
090. buy a piece of art.
091. Draw something every day for a week.
092. Take my sister to the mall and let her pick out one thing.
093. Do one completely selfish thing.
094. Do one unselfish thing.
095. Buy a Polaroid camera and film.
096. Go on a walk and take pictures with my polaroid.
097. watch the Watchmen.
098. Sit on a rooftop.
099. Get paid to do something I'm good at.
100. Take the TOEFL.
101. Take an online editing/grammar course.

me and computers

2009-03-26T00:54:00.000+03:00

So I've been known to have the worst history when it comes to abusing personal devices. Computers specifically.
my first laptop slipped from my fingers and smashed into the floor in front of my eyes while I stood helpless reviewing the incident in slow motion over and over again.

and my second laptop didn't last long either before it got its share of my drink one night while getting very excited over online convo (was the first and last time!).

Three years from this I moved on and I kept waiting for the next disaster, I stayed away from drinks and shaky grounds but I knew something bad is going to happen and it did finally.

Only this time I got nothing to do with it. the guy from computer store who was supposed to format it once restored the original monitor card with another burned copy which fucked the whole computer. yeah I'm so very lucky I know.

in the meantime this is my current indulgence :

It's kind of like therapy you know, I didn't say a good one but it helps.

I'm addicted to writing

2009-03-20T01:36:00.000+03:00

Usually when I don't feel well I write. and that was fine until my journal started to haunt me whenever facing a situation worth lamenting over.

Whether writing with pen/pencil and paper, or with the latest word program, or over the web, writing is sometimes a necessity to me, it's hard to escape from words that took their shape in my head. It’s important that I get my feelings out.
I wasn't like that always. there was a time when I kept the thoughts where they belonged. now I write all the time, everywhere sometimes three, four, five or more per day.
There are even days when I feel guilty when I didn’t write something simply because I didn’t want to take the time to write. Then, after a few minutes, the guilt begin to settle, I find a pen in my hand and then I begin writing. And I can't make it stop.

Broken Smile

2009-03-13T10:26:00.000+03:00

Once upon a time there was a girl. This girl had been loved by her mom and her dad. She was happy enough to play in her fancy little world. No matter how was it she smiled and played and laughed the days away.

Then puberty hit.

Change. It inspired the tears down her face, the shattered nerves, the shaky friendships... but she still continued to try to smile. One day it became too much of an effort to lift her lips - the hinges of her jaw broke, and the corners of her lips lay still, in a straight line across her face. Her smile was broken. Even when she was happy, smiles never came. Perhaps, on a good day, if she tried very hard, she might be able to lift an awkward lip, but the small curve went unnoticed. She watched herself smile in the mirror - it looked like she was cringing, or that she might cry.

She wasn't sad. She just couldn't smile. She didn't know if her smile could ever be fixed, or if anyone would someday fix it, or who... after all, how could she know the future?

it's the thirteenth again

2009-03-04T08:25:00.000+03:00

Hi
just to clear a few things up and without any hard feelings

The reason I started this blogspot in the first place is to write for myself. Not for you. Not for anyone else, but me. If you see something from what I have written intelligent or insightful that is great. But nonetheless, you are not the reason I have a blog or why I post my writing on it. Get over yourself.

You do not have to like what I choose to fill my blog with. In fact, I’d rather that you don’t. I would hate to view myself as your personal pleaser. If you want that, you can go pick any random blogspot, I'm sure many can appreciate your thoughts in there. I will continue to write whatever I feel the need to write at the time. If it’s not to your liking, I really don’t give a damn.

The Breakthrough

2009-02-27T17:58:00.000+03:00

I've came across new realization about myself.

For the last three years now I've been demolishing my inner self and criticizing my actions infinitely and I didn't get anything out of this, other than of course my spirit getting crushed into dust every once and a while and ignoring any strengths I managed to find in me. Now it suddenly hit me why had I spent so much time doing this to myself. it's because I believed that this is the way I deserved to be treated.
The thing is I was so mad of me that punishing myself was the only thing that satisfied my ego, this needs to be stopped right away because :

well, I didn't do what I thought I did.
deep down I knew I'm a good person and I know that I deserve better from everyone (including myself).
it's time to move on and grow the fuck up for heaven's sake!

maybe it's too late maybe it's not but I've decided to use fair judgments when it comes to my behavior
'cause sometimes I really wonder how do I expect others to like me when I can't stand who I am?

In Her Shoes

2009-02-27T17:22:00.000+03:00

I noticed the lack of colorization in my blog so I've added this to entertain you.

[credit]

I am Jack's complete lack of surprise

2009-02-20T14:01:00.000+03:00

It's funny how everything affects our mood and stir our thoughts in a way or the other. Whether it was movie you saw or a book you read, sometimes even random strangers could tell you something and it changes the way you view your whole life and it makes you go wondering what would've happened if you went through the morning/day/evening/sickness or just going through one day not knowing what you just knew. no matter how small it was.
It's like you cant get enough of life. you can never learn enough. there is always more there is always better ..
And It's strange that I'm the one who is saying this right now but I really do think it's interesting, our lives and how we cross paths with others only to end up learning from them.

Dear Everyone ,

2009-02-15T07:08:00.000+03:00

You know how some people leave hidden notes to their loved ones because you never know when is the last time you gonna tell them anything? I thought about this and I wrote something just in case I lost my ability to speak in a car crash one day or if I happen to be in a plane that splashed into the deep blue sea .
So my letter would go like this:

Dear Everyone ,
I had a great life and wonderful parents If I died today I want you to know that I died happy.
Mom I love you so much I'm sorry if I gave you hard times throughout our lives. I'm sorry I made you cry that time when I was 16 I never forgave myself for what happened that day, I'm so sorry that I told you I never wanted to be like you when I grow up in the girls center 4 years ago. The truth is I've always wanted to be like you. I wish I was as great as you are.

Dad I know how hard you work just to give us all the pretty things we asked you for. You took overtimes when you hated it so much just so we could feel like any other family we knew. I never seem to appreciate anything you did. I'm sorry I love you and I'm sorry if I didn't tell you how much I loved you. I love you daddy.

Muna my friend I can't picture my life without you. Sometimes I feel sorry for all these people who never got to know you and feel lucky that I did. I'm blessed that I had you as my cousin can you imagine if we didn't have that bond? how could we ever meet each other? I love you.

Duha with you I learned what it truly means to have a best friend in your life who didn't share the same last name as yours. you made me feel special cuz whenever I'm with you I felt safe I felt invincible. you were my friend the only one I chose who weren't in my family. I love you D

My brothers and little sis I'm so sorry if I wasn't the best sister one could ask for. I've always wanted to tell you how much you meant for me all the five of you but I thought you were too little to understand and I feared that you might laugh at me. I had so much fun with you guys and each one of you has a special place in my heart. I'm sorry again I love you so much.

Sincerely,
Sahar

White Walled Cage

2009-01-19T19:20:00.000+03:00

My ears have led me here following the voices that follow me every night of every week of every month of this year.
A thousand face, strangers, not one face is recognized. Looking around, tripping over my feet. Unfamiliar voices, whispers of my name is all I can hear.

They don't know me, Do they know me?

Have I been here before?

I don't know them, Do I know them?

These white walls are blinding me.

I can't see, Can they see?

Rubbing my eyes, looking for clarity...

I can't see, Can they see?

God, their eyes are killing me.

Walking in straight line, sweaty hands, confused mind.

Louder their voices have gone

Turning against me, following me with their eyes.

If I hide, I can't be found.

is this another escape of mine?

My eyes facing the ground, Please not those looks, those eyes.

If I run fast enough, I can survive.

this is not my escape, not my escape.
Pointing fingers surrounding me.

Falling on my knees, squishing my head in my hands.

Trying not to hear. I can not stand I am weak.

Closer they come. Soon I'm gone.

Their fingers, like drills.

Making holes into me, I am incomplete.

thank you (Tima) for writing this.

How human of me

2009-01-19T00:51:00.000+03:00

Things, events are starting to repeat themselves
and I look at everything without finding in myself
the slightest courage to go on. I just want to stop for a second
feel the void, re-arrange my thoughts and figure out some stuff
It's too much Please Everything just stop moving
stop changing me along the way with you
I'm sick of trying to get hold of my surroundings.

it's just that School is vain and exams gives you cancer
WHY CAN'T ANYONE UNDERSTAND THAT?

Define Water Buffaloes

2009-01-16T18:41:00.000+03:00

Friday tend to be the most depressing day of the whole week, not only me who feels that way. Every other individual who starts the week on Saturday shares my Fridays repugnance. It's SO depressing and I dunno why.
Is it the Saturday that follows each Friday we detest? or is it just that ugly feeling when you suddenly realize that the week is ending with no better outcome than the week before and the one before that?

Either ways Fridays are so depressing and I can't wait til next weekend

"Life is one fucking beauty contest after another"

2009-01-15T01:25:00.000+03:00

Today I did myself a huge favor and watched LiTTLE MiSS SUNSHiNE <3

I don't know how come I hadn't considered watching it before

Frank: So who do you hang around with?

Dwayne: [shakes his head]

Frank: No one?

Dwayne: [whips out a pen and notebook from his back pocket. bangs the end of the pen on table and writes on a notepad: "I Hate Everyone."]

Frank: What about your family?

Dwayne: [deeply underlines "Everyone"]

This is from one of my favorite scenes ,

I'm trying to watch as many movies as I possibly can to kill the time before Saturday. I'm getting my Numerical Analysis marks and I believe my chances are blown away to score high this time.

*Tomorrow I'm watching The Breakfast Club (it's such a shame when you're an 80's kid and never heard of this one)

defamation

2009-01-13T02:00:00.000+03:00

I've always always had this feeling that i'm the odd one out and throughout my whole life I just wanted more than anything else to fit in. That's why I joined the popular Islamic group at college and filled out their stupid membership form when I didn't even know what it takes to reach that. I just wanted to be part of something, despite the being of the group. I thought that by forcing myself into their cliques .. I would definitely get that honor of being one of 'them', That by sharing stuff with majority somehow I can finally consider myself normal.

The more reason to make me feel really worthless at the moment .

Honestly

2009-01-08T01:46:00.000+03:00

Okay so this is my first day as a Twenty year older and I'm horribly, terribly sick. I got sore throat and flu.
I whished for happiness last night. And this is not exactly what happiness supposed to look like
I'd like to go back to nineteen now please?
Thanks